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Posted by wsgillc on February 15th, 2012 in Articles | No Comments
Unraveling From Your Ex-Spouce by Karen Basmagy
http://www.rippleeffectcoach.net
You’ve gone to court, the divorce is final. Perhaps it was a long messy ordeal or maybe it was simple, amicable and uncomplicated. You think, whew…I’m glad that is finally over, now I can move forward with my life! You can finally put your former relationship with your ex behind you…or can you? Whether you have the divorce decree in hand or not, emotionally disentangling from you ex is not quite as cut and dry as signing the settlement agreement.
Divorce recovery happens in stages. Although you may be legally divorced the emotional divorce may take much longer to happen. Particularly if you were in a long-term marriage or have children still living at home, the break in the emotional ties don’t necessarily occur when you sign on the dotted line. In the book “Crazy Time; Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life” by Abigail Trafford states that there are two parts to the divorce, the legal divorce and the emotional divorce. “Getting an emotional divorce means you have to separate psychologically from your spouse. It’s a long and complex process. Your ambivalence reflects the attachment you still feel for your spouse as well as the inner turmoil over making major changes in your life.”
The circumstances surrounding the divorce also come into play when it comes to theemotional divorce. Who leaves and who is “left” may have a huge impact on the length of time it takes to emotionally divorce your ex-spouse. Were you the one initiating the divorce? Oftentimes, the initiator, or “leaver” had already begun detaching from the relationship before the actual separation, making him or her further along the road to disentanglement. Or on the flipside, perhaps the leaver has some guilt about ending the relationship due to co-dependency issues or an infidelity while still married. Guilt may keep a leaver somewhat connected to the “leavee”, who continues to maintain an emotional connection as a way to assuage their own feelings of guilt and their partners assumed pain at having been left behind.
What about the “leavee”, where are they in the process of the “emotional divorce”? Chances are they may have felt somewhat blindsided from the request for a divorce and at times were in denial about the state of the marital relationship up to the point of separation. Perhaps they were not willing to give up the relationship as easily as the one who requested to end the marriage. Being able to accept that there is no chance for reconciliation can be difficult. It will probably be a longer journey to emotionally detachment for the partner who did not initiate the divorce.
Emotional divorce for those who see themselves as the “victim” may likewise take much longer; there may be feelings of anger, resentment and bitterness to work through. Emotions may be still running quite high for those carrying victim energy even though the legal divorce is final. Harboring these life-draining emotions and not working through them will keep the angry, embittered ex from moving on and finding the peace and joy that is available to them.
All of us have to accept a certain amount of ambivalence to creep in periodically when we’re going through divorce recovery. Unless you were in a physically abusive relationship, there may have been some very positive experiences that you shared with your ex over the course of the marriage. After all, you made a decision to marry in the first place and for the majority of us the decision was made out of love (or at least you thought so at the time). If it is an amicable divorce, sometimes it can be challenging to establish new and appropriate boundaries surrounding privacy. If it has been a split filled with resentment and anger between one or both parties, your boundary issues might revolve around one of you continuing to get satisfaction (consciously or unconsciously) in pushing the others’ buttons. Or perhaps you may be taking the bait when a button is pushed and thus engaging in old ways with your ex. For those on the receiving end of this type of behavior, you must find ways to detach and resist the temptation to “engage” in your ex’s attempt to pull you back in emotionally, or they will steal and drain your joy. If you have children together, the connection you both have through them remains, and the way in which you and your ex communicate while co-parenting may also affect your ability to disengage emotionally. Finding a way to co-parent in a more matter-of-fact and business-like manner can be difficult, but is imperative for the sake of your children’s’ psychological health. You must renegotiate a new relationship with your ex and move on, or you may find yourself playing out the same dynamic you had in the marital relationship.
What are the areas in your life right now that indicate you have divorced your exemotionally as well as legally?
Take this short Self-Assessment- How true are these 10 statements? Be honest with yourself, they are only here as a means of self-reflection:
- I have released any guilt over the break-up of the relationship.
- I can interact with my ex without any strong emotions or anxiety coming up for me. I am aware of my trigger points and don’t take the bait.
- I can co-parent in a way that does not have my child(ren) choosing between my spouse and me.
- I do not expect my child(ren) to deliver messages to my spouse about adult/parenting matters.
- I have no negative energy/emotion around the idea of my spouse moving on to a new relationship.
- I have appropriate boundaries regarding what information about my personal life I share with my ex.
- My ex does not have access to my home uninvited.
- I have little/no anger or resentment towards my ex.
- I no longer seek my ex’s approval but I would like to maintain/develop a healthy friendship if possible (this is more important if you have children together).
- When I think back on the marital relationship I can reflect on the good times with nostalgia and gratitude, and without regret.
The road to your new incredible life takes time, be kind to yourself and acknowledge the progress you have made so far. If you are feeling stuck while reflecting on any of the areas within the self-assessment, congratulate yourself for being honest and able to look at yourself with clarity. These are the areas you can focus on working through to free yourself from your past.
This article is from http://www.rippleeffectcoach.net and was written by Karen Basmagy-Transition Coach. You can find more about her here http://www.rippleeffectcoach.net/about-/
Posted by wsgillc on February 7th, 2012 in Articles | No Comments
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Posted by wsgillc on February 6th, 2012 in Articles | No Comments
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Posted by wsgillc on February 2nd, 2012 in Articles | No Comments
When we are in the midst of life trauma it is very difficult to experience anything but the pain, disappointment, hurt and anguish related to that experience. That’s only natural. But very often, looking back in hindsight, we can find meaning, relevance, valuable lessons and insights that were the direct result of those major life challenges. Without that life-altering event we would not become the successes we are today.
Many people look upon that result as the “gift” they received from the experience – the wisdom they gleaned, the turning point they needed to move on to a new chapter in their lives. They look back and can say the lesson was tough, but they don’t regret it in the least.
I believe divorce can be looked upon as one of those “gifts” and life lessons if we choose to look for the reward. Here are some questions to ask yourself to help you discover some perhaps unacknowledged rewards that have resulted from your divorce:
1. Did you learn something of value as a result of this experience?
2. Who are you today that you would not have been had you not divorced?
3. Do you see inner wisdom or strength that makes you proud?
4. Have you made decisions that are more supportive of your life and values?
5. Do you like yourself better?
6. Have you found new career directions or new meaning in life as a direct result of your divorce?
If you can’t yet answer yes to any of these questions, give yourself time. Perhaps you have not fully moved through the inner and outer transitions resulting from your divorce. Perhaps you are still holding on to resentment, anger, jealousy or other negative emotions that are keeping you from experiencing the freedom from old programming and patterns.
I believe there is a gift in every tough experience in our lives – if we choose to see it. And why shouldn’t we put our energy in that direction? What good does it do to hold on to a past that has slipped away – or to people who are not giving us the love and support we deserve? When we let go of the past, we open the door to a new future – and only then can we empower ourselves to create that future as a much better outcome for ourselves and those we love.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Posted by wsgillc on February 1st, 2012 in Articles | No Comments
All human beings are resistant to change. It’s especially difficult for children. One of the greatest disruptions in a child’s life can be the upheaval caused by divorce. For this reason it is incumbent on you, as a parent, to doing everything possible day by day, month by month, to help your children adjust, assimilate into their new routines and accept the changes in their lives in the most positive possible ways.
To do that, you must be committed to putting your children’s physical, emotional and psychological needs foremost in your mind and heart. In that way, you will make decisions that are child-centered rather than based on your needs for getting back, proving your points or hurting your children’s other parent.
Yes, it’s not always an easy proposition to parent after divorce from this perspective. However, it’s the only option that will allow your children to have a sane childhood, good self-esteem, joy in their lives and a future that includes healthy relationships for themselves. Isn’t that what we all want for our children?
You can help your children adapt to two happy homes if you make that a priority and respect the fact that your kids are attached to their other parent. Don’t force them to break that bond or make them feel guilty for still loving their Dad or Mom, despite your divorce.
Because helping your child feel happy, safe, and loved is such an important goal for every parent, you can make joint parenting (custody is becoming a word of the past in many legal systems) arrangements work out if that is your honest intention.
To help your children feel wanted – little things count a lot!
All children need to know that they are loved and wanted in both homes. To help instill that important sense of belonging, try to avoid the need to pack a suitcase when children move between Mom and Dad’s homes.
It is smart to talk to your children early in the divorce process about starting a new chapter in their family life. Some things are changing – others will not change. It’s all part of the new chapter ahead – and new doesn’t have to mean sad or bad.
Many parents start by taking the kids shopping for some new things so they’ll have their own personal “stash” at both houses. Let each child make some personal selections of bedding, toiletry and clothing items. Little things like new pajamas, underwear, toothbrush, alarm clock, pillow, sunglasses, towels, shampoo, etc. can make a big difference in helping your children feel more at home, welcome and excited about some of the transition process.
A few new toys as well as old familiar ones are also important at this time. Selecting some DVDs or games together that are part of the new home environment will also help with readjustment, giving the kids something to look forward to when they arrive.
If your relationship with your former spouse is on a positive level, the family can get together to divide much of the children’s belongings as a family, letting the kids make some decisions about where certain items will remain or move. Try to have enough clothing changes and other routine possessions in each home, so you can avoid last-minute emergency pickups or misplaced items. Also allow the children to carry a few items back and forth if they choose, such as a favorite toy, jacket or photo.
Ideally each child should have some private space – a place in each home where they can keep their things – be it a closet, drawers, shelves, etc. The goal is to create a sense of “home” when they spend time with either Mom or Dad so they know they are safe, wanted and very much belong in the lives of both parents.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The ebook provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles, coaching and other valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
