Online Divorce Support for Child Custody

Friday, October 02, 2009
Story last updated at 10/2/2009 - 12:33 am

Blending and bonding is occurring all over America, according to a parenting counselor.

Wilma Edwards, a speaker at Thursday's Building Strong Families conference at Lubbock Memorial Civic Center, says successful blending of a stepfamily takes from three to seven years to accomplish.

And she doesn't even like the term step, because of the connotation of the word. She prefers step-in, as when someone steps in to help in times of loss.

Edwards shared statistics that indicate more than 50 percent of children 18 and younger will be in a blended family by next year.

"Every child is to be respected and treated with fairness," she said. "Most of the children in their early years have no say about where they go, who they are with, what their parents do, and what situation they are in."

She was adamant about one thing: "Don't forget that you are an advocate for children."

Edwards said, "When we talk about blended families, we are talking about children in those families that have no part in the loss that they have in their family. Whether someone died, whether someone left and they never see them again, whether someone divorced and married someone else with children - we have to remember that they have no choices in any of these decisions. So, it's the happy Brady Bunch, right?

"Wrong. The children are very confused. It's like a whirlwind to them."

She said, "A lot of little children will regress, because they want to go back to the time when they were comfortable. Talk to the children and tell them, 'I know you are missing your mom or your dad, maybe you could call them while you are at my house.'"

According to Edwards, it is important to share a schedule with children in a blended family so they will know what is going to happen to them next.

"We need to say, 'You're safe here. I'm going to get you to your mom's for the weekend. You can come back after Sunday night, and we will plan our family night together.'

"Just help your children know the schedule, and know they can trust what's going on."

She said the mixture of unfamiliar ideas can cause discomfort in a newly blended family. "When you got married, you brought everything from your family of origin into that marriage, and it wasn't exactly like your partner's. Ideas, beliefs, values, the way you celebrated, what you laughed about - we are coming with behaviors, ideas and rituals."

All that takes time to work through in a family blender, according to Edwards.

"As a substitute parent, your home needs to be the kind of home that you would want the child to make when he is ready to move out of the home."