Online Divorce Support for Child Custody

"We both knew we had to put our children’s needs before our own disagreements...we could never put our children in the middle of our adult situations. I continue to be unclear as to why some parents are able to put their children’s needs first and others are not but I have seen the effects of either of these paths on the many children who live through the divorce of their parents, including my own."

Reader Kimberley S. Roberts is a divorced mother of two who has a shared parenting arrangement with her ex-husband. Recently I asked her to articulate for our readers why she believes that shared parenting is good for children, and good for women. Her contribution is below.

Co-parenting works
By Kimberley S. Roberts

Becoming a mother was one of the most exciting and scary times of my life. I have heard my children’s father state the same. I believe most parents want to do what is best for their children and would never knowingly inflict or be the cause of harm or trauma. However, life often hands us challenges that put us as parents and adults in difficult, life-altering situations and emotional states that can have long term positive and or negative effects for us, our children and our loved ones.

At the ages of eight and four my two children learned one of life’s most difficult lessons, that their parents were unable to live together and that their definition of family would be forever changed. Only as these two innocent and wide eyed little boys began to ask questions, did I realize the incredible responsibility my children’s father and I were faced with regarding how we both chose to handle ourselves and our situation as to minimize the emotional harm to our children.

We both knew we had to put our children’s needs before our own disagreements, anger, shock and changing life and living situations. It was clear to both of us that we could never put our children in the middle of our adult situations. I continue to be unclear as to why some parents are able to put their children’s needs first and others are not but I have seen the effects of either of these paths on the many children who live through the divorce of their parents, including my own.

Each year divorce becomes more and more common place. Amazingly, many divorcing couples successfully maneuver through the process of divorce putting their best foot forward for the sake of all involved, especially the children. There is no “how to” book when it comes to helping your children survive the failed marriage of their parents, but I have learned through my own trials and errors and through seeing the effects of my ex-husband and my decisions, that there are some basic and common sense things that any parent can do to help alleviate the emotional trauma of divorce on their children and to make each parents home a safe haven for them. This requires a commitment by both parents to co-parent. Sadly, a large number of parents choose to use their children as tools to gain advantage and to inflict pain and emotional suffering onto the other parent.

Commonly the parent that has primary custody which is often us mothers, are the ones that use these types of negative tactics, often including alienating the non custodial parent from their children by withholding visits, not including the alienated parent in children’s life events and school events. From a divorced mom’s point of view I feel it is my responsibility to state that it is never ok to do anything that interferes with the other parent’s visits with their child(ren). I send out to a plea to all parent’s throughout the process of divorce and thereafter to always evaluate and make decisions carefully based on the lifelong effects they may have on your children, both positive and negative. In extreme cases a parent truly in fear for their child should go through the proper channels to address these issues and not take matters into their own hands.